1 00:00:04,163 --> 00:00:05,262 [GASPS] 2 00:00:05,331 --> 00:00:06,730 Oh, my God, it's happened! 3 00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:07,965 They found Tupac! 4 00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:10,400 No, Eddie, you're... shaving. 5 00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:11,535 Oh. Yeah. 6 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:13,136 Some girls at school started calling me "Cheech," 7 00:00:13,205 --> 00:00:14,338 so I figured it was time to... 8 00:00:14,373 --> 00:00:17,074 "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it. 9 00:00:17,534 --> 00:00:20,986 And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son." 10 00:00:21,383 --> 00:00:22,846 [WHISPERING] Rudyard Kipling. 11 00:00:23,447 --> 00:00:26,149 - Dad, what are you... - Shh. I'm hugging you. 12 00:00:27,102 --> 00:00:28,394 Why? 13 00:00:28,575 --> 00:00:29,052 [NORMAL VOICE] Because today is the day 14 00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:32,354 you stop being a boy and start being a man. 15 00:00:32,535 --> 00:00:33,646 ♪ Yeah ♪ 16 00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:35,459 Take a lip. 17 00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:38,839 When your mom and I found out we were having a baby boy, 18 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,262 you know the first thing I did? 19 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,164 Cried in the car listening to James Taylor. 20 00:00:42,266 --> 00:00:43,366 Mom already told me. 21 00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:46,235 No, I drove to the drugstore and bought two things... 22 00:00:46,304 --> 00:00:49,005 A roll of celebratory Mentos for myself 23 00:00:49,073 --> 00:00:51,912 and a Gillette Atra Plus for you. 24 00:00:52,041 --> 00:00:55,115 Eddie, I've kept that razor in my closet for 14 years 25 00:00:55,279 --> 00:00:57,179 waiting for the day you would need to use it. 26 00:00:57,281 --> 00:00:58,847 Today is that day! 27 00:00:58,949 --> 00:01:01,850 Wow, Dad, I guess this is a big moment for me. 28 00:01:02,668 --> 00:01:03,785 I'm glad you're here for it. 29 00:01:03,854 --> 00:01:05,320 Me, too. 30 00:01:05,422 --> 00:01:06,755 I'll go get your Atra. 31 00:01:06,824 --> 00:01:09,024 And, uh, let's put this where it belongs. 32 00:01:10,761 --> 00:01:12,661 [CHUCKLES] 33 00:01:13,158 --> 00:01:16,181 _ 34 00:01:16,491 --> 00:01:18,893 Nah. He's so happy. 35 00:01:19,281 --> 00:01:20,469 I'm gonna let him have this. 36 00:01:20,573 --> 00:01:23,133 _ 37 00:01:24,296 --> 00:01:25,941 S04E14 A Man to Share the Night With 38 00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:27,109 ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ 39 00:01:27,211 --> 00:01:28,810 ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ 40 00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:31,113 ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ 41 00:01:31,215 --> 00:01:32,381 ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪ 42 00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,716 ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ 43 00:01:34,818 --> 00:01:36,184 ♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪ 44 00:01:36,287 --> 00:01:38,118 ♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪ 45 00:01:38,196 --> 00:01:39,694 sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com 46 00:01:39,978 --> 00:01:42,357 [ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS] 47 00:01:43,259 --> 00:01:45,359 [CROWD CHEERING] Spectacular. 48 00:01:45,462 --> 00:01:46,727 ANNOUNCER: And at the end of the first night 49 00:01:46,830 --> 00:01:48,262 of the Women's Figure Skating event, 50 00:01:48,364 --> 00:01:51,933 it's Michelle Kwan first, Tara Lipinski second. 51 00:01:52,035 --> 00:01:53,868 - Ohh, yes! - Yes! Yes! 52 00:01:53,970 --> 00:01:56,537 See, boys, it's just like I'm always telling you... 53 00:01:56,639 --> 00:01:59,006 If you work hard, sacrifice everything, 54 00:01:59,075 --> 00:02:01,275 and look good in a tight bun, you can't lose. 55 00:02:01,377 --> 00:02:02,677 Michelle Kwan is the proof. 56 00:02:02,787 --> 00:02:03,613 _ 57 00:02:03,779 --> 00:02:05,019 _ 58 00:02:05,181 --> 00:02:06,647 Really, Mom? Lipinski? 59 00:02:06,764 --> 00:02:11,042 _ 60 00:02:11,146 --> 00:02:14,143 _ 61 00:02:14,357 --> 00:02:16,991 Tara Lipinski is too busy flirting with boys 62 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:19,127 and wiping tater-tot grease on her leotard. 63 00:02:19,195 --> 00:02:20,561 I mean, look at her face. 64 00:02:20,663 --> 00:02:22,997 Does that look like the face of a winner to you? 65 00:02:25,138 --> 00:02:25,933 No. 66 00:02:26,035 --> 00:02:26,968 EVAN: Mommy's right. 67 00:02:27,070 --> 00:02:28,536 Lipinski lacks the self-discipline 68 00:02:28,638 --> 00:02:30,505 that's made Michelle Kwan a champion. 69 00:02:30,607 --> 00:02:32,240 The gold is as good as hers. 70 00:02:32,342 --> 00:02:34,609 Can we skip school tomorrow and watch her win in real time? 71 00:02:34,711 --> 00:02:36,644 No skipping school! 72 00:02:36,746 --> 00:02:39,113 But I'll tape it, and you can watch it when you get home. 73 00:02:39,182 --> 00:02:40,515 Now it's bedtime. 74 00:02:40,583 --> 00:02:42,350 You need to get your rest so you can grow up 75 00:02:42,452 --> 00:02:45,253 to be small and poised like Michelle Kwan. 76 00:02:45,355 --> 00:02:47,321 I heard she gets nine hours a night. 77 00:02:47,390 --> 00:02:48,856 If we hurry, we can make it! 78 00:02:49,643 --> 00:02:51,325 And after the 11:00 news, 79 00:02:51,427 --> 00:02:53,761 it's "The Late Show With David Letterman"! 80 00:02:53,863 --> 00:02:55,129 Ha! All right! 81 00:02:55,231 --> 00:02:56,330 Ohh, pass. 82 00:02:56,399 --> 00:02:58,166 Louis, you can stay up and watch that old man 83 00:02:58,268 --> 00:03:01,435 and his piano gremlin, but I'm going to bed. 84 00:03:01,538 --> 00:03:03,070 You, too, Eddie. Bedtime. 85 00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:06,340 Tonight Dave welcomes supermodel Cindy Crawford. 86 00:03:06,442 --> 00:03:07,675 - Ooh! - Ooh! 87 00:03:07,777 --> 00:03:09,410 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 88 00:03:10,332 --> 00:03:11,879 Good night, Dad. 89 00:03:11,948 --> 00:03:13,514 Uh, wait. 90 00:03:13,616 --> 00:03:16,551 Why don't you stay up and watch with me tonight? 91 00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:18,719 But my bedtime's 10:45. 92 00:03:18,855 --> 00:03:21,088 Well, you're shaving. You're a man now. 93 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,188 Maybe it's time you had a man's bedtime. 94 00:03:23,374 --> 00:03:24,592 From now on, you can stay up 95 00:03:24,661 --> 00:03:27,461 for the first guest on "Letterman," until 11:45. 96 00:03:27,597 --> 00:03:29,263 I think you've earned a little independence. 97 00:03:29,365 --> 00:03:31,032 Whoa! Are you serious? 98 00:03:31,134 --> 00:03:33,334 Men are always serious. 99 00:03:33,436 --> 00:03:35,469 [CHUCKLES] Being a man is awesome. 100 00:03:36,324 --> 00:03:39,140 Do you think Dave will ask Cindy Crawford about her mole? 101 00:03:39,242 --> 00:03:40,908 He might, son. He just might. 102 00:03:40,977 --> 00:03:43,511 And then Letterman asked Cindy Crawford about her mole. 103 00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,413 Whoa! 104 00:03:45,515 --> 00:03:47,715 I can't believe your dad let you stay up till 11:45. 105 00:03:47,817 --> 00:03:50,017 I wonder when my dad goes to sleep... 106 00:03:50,119 --> 00:03:51,319 or where. 107 00:03:51,387 --> 00:03:52,753 My dad makes me go to bed halfway through 108 00:03:52,822 --> 00:03:53,921 "Walker, Texas Ranger." 109 00:03:54,023 --> 00:03:55,256 And that's on a Saturday! 110 00:03:55,358 --> 00:03:58,259 So you never find out if Walker catches the bad guy? 111 00:03:58,361 --> 00:04:01,862 It's Walker, Brian! He catches the bad guy! 112 00:04:01,965 --> 00:04:02,930 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 113 00:04:03,032 --> 00:04:05,499 [GROANS] 114 00:04:05,602 --> 00:04:06,734 Finally. 115 00:04:06,836 --> 00:04:08,202 I have been waiting for someone else 116 00:04:08,304 --> 00:04:10,171 to have a late bedtime forever. 117 00:04:10,273 --> 00:04:11,706 - What's your bedtime? - Don't have one. 118 00:04:11,808 --> 00:04:14,108 My mom works the night shift at the Cheesecake Factory, 119 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,876 so I just go to bed whenever I feel like it. 120 00:04:15,979 --> 00:04:18,246 Also, if somebody sends their cheesecake back, 121 00:04:18,281 --> 00:04:20,848 my mom brings it home, and we eat it for breakfast. 122 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:22,883 Cool! 123 00:04:22,986 --> 00:04:24,518 So, what do you do all night? 124 00:04:24,621 --> 00:04:26,387 I ride my bike around the outdoor mall 125 00:04:26,489 --> 00:04:27,755 and eat the stale doughnuts 126 00:04:27,824 --> 00:04:29,423 Donut King throws away at closing. 127 00:04:29,492 --> 00:04:31,325 Hold up. You're telling me I've been sleeping through 128 00:04:31,394 --> 00:04:32,727 free doughnuts this whole time?! 129 00:04:32,829 --> 00:04:34,362 Doughnuts, bagels. 130 00:04:34,464 --> 00:04:37,158 Sometimes you just get a whole vat of glaze. 131 00:04:39,035 --> 00:04:40,768 ANNOUNCER: In a stunning upset, 132 00:04:40,870 --> 00:04:44,991 Tara Lipinski leaps over Michelle Kwan to win the gold! 133 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:48,776 Michelle Kwan... lost. 134 00:04:49,249 --> 00:04:52,099 _ 135 00:04:52,243 --> 00:04:54,207 _ 136 00:04:54,372 --> 00:04:56,046 How could this happen? 137 00:04:56,253 --> 00:04:58,030 She was supposed to win! 138 00:04:58,113 --> 00:04:59,870 How could she not win?! 139 00:05:00,118 --> 00:05:02,598 She did everything right! 140 00:05:09,253 --> 00:05:10,287 _ 141 00:05:10,365 --> 00:05:12,866 Evan and Emery believe in Michelle Kwan the winner. 142 00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:14,968 If they find out that they can work that hard 143 00:05:15,037 --> 00:05:17,969 and still come in second, they'll never work hard again. 144 00:05:18,072 --> 00:05:20,325 _ 145 00:05:20,511 --> 00:05:22,040 You know, that's a really good idea. 146 00:05:22,185 --> 00:05:24,107 I do control what they watch. 147 00:05:24,252 --> 00:05:26,613 So if I don't want them to know, then they won't know. 148 00:05:30,919 --> 00:05:32,719 We're ready to watch the... 149 00:05:32,787 --> 00:05:34,821 [SCREAMS] 150 00:05:34,923 --> 00:05:35,955 What happened to the tape? 151 00:05:36,057 --> 00:05:37,156 Technical difficulties. 152 00:05:37,258 --> 00:05:38,758 A mouse was living inside the VCR 153 00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:40,948 and it ate the tape and then it died. 154 00:05:41,062 --> 00:05:42,761 Was it a boy mouse or a girl mouse? 155 00:05:42,830 --> 00:05:45,206 Who cares?! How did Michelle do? 156 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,898 She won! 157 00:05:50,187 --> 00:05:51,003 - Yes! - Yes! 158 00:05:51,105 --> 00:05:52,371 Whoo! She did it! 159 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,372 - I knew she could! - Whoo! 160 00:05:55,376 --> 00:05:56,375 Hey, Eddie. 161 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,143 Which popcorn do you want for "Letterman"? 162 00:05:58,245 --> 00:06:01,280 Butter or movie theater butter? 163 00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:04,483 Eddie? 164 00:06:04,551 --> 00:06:07,352 Okay, top 10 reasons you should answer your father. 165 00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:08,653 Number 10... 166 00:06:10,390 --> 00:06:12,209 _ 167 00:06:12,432 --> 00:06:16,194 _ 168 00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:20,410 _ 169 00:06:26,573 --> 00:06:28,406 [DOOR CLOSES] Where were you? 170 00:06:28,508 --> 00:06:29,941 Oh, out with Dave. 171 00:06:30,043 --> 00:06:31,976 On a school night? Are you crazy? 172 00:06:32,078 --> 00:06:33,311 What were the two of you doing? 173 00:06:33,413 --> 00:06:35,361 Nothing. Just hanging out. 174 00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:39,250 Oh, she's gorgeous. 175 00:06:39,285 --> 00:06:40,685 Where do you think she's getting ready to go? 176 00:06:40,753 --> 00:06:42,386 Dancing, probably. 177 00:06:42,455 --> 00:06:44,755 Classic girls like that are always going dancing. 178 00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,124 I wish I had a girl like that. 179 00:06:47,226 --> 00:06:48,593 That's not a girl. 180 00:06:48,982 --> 00:06:51,255 That's a woman. 181 00:06:51,916 --> 00:06:52,663 "Just hanging out"? 182 00:06:52,732 --> 00:06:53,798 It's almost midnight. 183 00:06:53,866 --> 00:06:56,500 Well, you said my bedtime was 11:45. 184 00:06:56,603 --> 00:06:58,135 It's 11:40. I still have five minutes. 185 00:06:58,237 --> 00:06:59,337 No, I said you could stay up 186 00:06:59,405 --> 00:07:01,005 to watch the first guest on "Letterman," 187 00:07:01,107 --> 00:07:02,106 not run around the streets 188 00:07:02,208 --> 00:07:04,609 doing God knows what with your friends. 189 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,790 But you said I'd earned a little independence. 190 00:07:06,892 --> 00:07:08,258 This is not what I meant. 191 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,694 Well, I hope whatever you were doing was worth it 192 00:07:10,796 --> 00:07:13,397 because you missed Dave interviewing Andie MacDowell. 193 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:15,299 So? I'll just watch it tomorrow. 194 00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:17,701 Andie MacDowell is not going to be on tomorrow. 195 00:07:17,803 --> 00:07:20,304 I don't care about Andie MacDowell! 196 00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:26,377 Clearly we're both tired and saying things we don't mean. 197 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:27,678 Let's just go to bed, 198 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,546 and we'll talk about this in the morning. 199 00:07:29,648 --> 00:07:31,014 No! 200 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,349 We will not talk about this in the morning 201 00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:33,851 because I didn't do anything wrong! 202 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,053 You can't talk to me like that. 203 00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:38,288 Why not? You said I'm a man, remember? 204 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,625 Maybe it's time you started treating me like one. 205 00:07:44,976 --> 00:07:46,444 Oh, this is interesting. 206 00:07:46,609 --> 00:07:48,343 Michelle Kwan tried to start a band. 207 00:07:48,446 --> 00:07:49,478 Third Eye Kwan? 208 00:07:49,513 --> 00:07:50,746 That's in this book, too. 209 00:07:50,781 --> 00:07:52,247 She's so talented. 210 00:07:52,283 --> 00:07:54,216 I just wish the TV and the VCR weren't broken 211 00:07:54,285 --> 00:07:56,251 so we could watch a replay of her winning. 212 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,287 I can't believe we still haven't seen it. 213 00:07:58,322 --> 00:08:00,656 It's also unfortunate that all the newspapers on the street 214 00:08:00,758 --> 00:08:02,354 have been stolen by a news thief. 215 00:08:03,894 --> 00:08:06,528 USA! USA! 216 00:08:06,630 --> 00:08:07,663 [LAUGHS] 217 00:08:07,698 --> 00:08:09,131 Can you guys believe she won gold?! 218 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,733 It's exciting, right? 219 00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:12,334 I know. Michelle Kwan's our hero. 220 00:08:12,436 --> 00:08:14,103 Michelle Kwan? No. 221 00:08:14,171 --> 00:08:15,771 Tara Lipinski won gold. 222 00:08:15,806 --> 00:08:17,506 [CHUCKLES] Michelle Kwan came in second. 223 00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:18,674 That's why they're doing a special 224 00:08:18,743 --> 00:08:20,709 on Lipinski cuts at the mall. 225 00:08:20,778 --> 00:08:24,213 No, Honey. Michelle Kwan won. Right, Mom? 226 00:08:26,517 --> 00:08:28,150 Boys... [SIGHS] 227 00:08:28,252 --> 00:08:30,085 The truth is... 228 00:08:30,154 --> 00:08:31,587 Michelle Kwan didn't win. 229 00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:32,654 [GASPS] 230 00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:35,924 Because that wasn't the real Michelle Kwan! 231 00:08:36,026 --> 00:08:37,259 - [GASPS] - What? 232 00:08:37,294 --> 00:08:41,130 The real Michelle Kwan has been replaced by an imposter! 233 00:08:41,198 --> 00:08:42,965 - What? - Think about it. 234 00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:44,933 She trains hard her whole life. 235 00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,236 She wins the world championships. 236 00:08:47,271 --> 00:08:49,938 Then she goes to the Olympics and comes in second place? 237 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,240 It doesn't add up. 238 00:08:51,342 --> 00:08:53,275 Has "Lipinski" written all over it. 239 00:08:53,344 --> 00:08:55,544 The point is the fake Kwan lost. 240 00:08:55,579 --> 00:08:57,846 The real Kwan will always be the best. 241 00:08:57,915 --> 00:08:59,748 Let's never speak of this again. 242 00:09:01,719 --> 00:09:03,118 I can't believe it. 243 00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:04,553 A fake Michelle Kwan. 244 00:09:04,588 --> 00:09:06,655 - What do we do? - What would Michelle do? 245 00:09:06,724 --> 00:09:09,458 Use her focus and determination to get to the bottom of it? 246 00:09:09,527 --> 00:09:10,826 Then we will, too. 247 00:09:10,895 --> 00:09:12,694 We'll be like Woodward and Bernstein. 248 00:09:12,763 --> 00:09:14,496 Or Chip 'n Dale! 249 00:09:14,565 --> 00:09:17,166 Do you think Jessica's coming back? 250 00:09:18,736 --> 00:09:20,969 He missed Andie MacDowell, huh? 251 00:09:21,005 --> 00:09:22,371 - [SIGHS] - She's a ruddy-cheeked delight. 252 00:09:22,439 --> 00:09:24,006 And he wouldn't apologize! 253 00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,375 [GROANS] I don't know what's gotten into him lately. 254 00:09:26,443 --> 00:09:28,010 Sure, he and Jessica clash a lot, 255 00:09:28,112 --> 00:09:30,512 but Eddie and I have always been pals. 256 00:09:30,548 --> 00:09:33,215 He's never been so openly defiant to me before. 257 00:09:33,317 --> 00:09:35,384 How old's the boy? 9? 10? 258 00:09:35,452 --> 00:09:37,252 He's 14, Marvin. 259 00:09:37,354 --> 00:09:38,687 Ah, 14. 260 00:09:38,789 --> 00:09:40,155 Then that explains it. 261 00:09:40,257 --> 00:09:41,456 It does? 262 00:09:41,492 --> 00:09:44,326 Classic male adolescent elephant power vacuum. 263 00:09:44,361 --> 00:09:45,928 - Huh? - Follow me, Lou. 264 00:09:45,996 --> 00:09:48,363 There's something you need to see. 265 00:09:48,611 --> 00:09:51,567 Now we're cooking with Crisco! [LAUGHS] 266 00:09:52,903 --> 00:09:54,970 Ah! I was stationed in Africa, 267 00:09:55,039 --> 00:09:57,072 overseeing the construction of the railway 268 00:09:57,174 --> 00:09:59,608 from Mombasa to Kisumu. 269 00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:01,176 The railway? 270 00:10:01,578 --> 00:10:02,644 How old are you? 271 00:10:02,713 --> 00:10:04,646 Old enough to know what you're going through. 272 00:10:04,748 --> 00:10:06,081 Look. 273 00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:07,916 Adolescent male elephants. 274 00:10:07,952 --> 00:10:11,787 Now, see, when the herd lacks a strong older male presence, 275 00:10:11,856 --> 00:10:15,457 the young males become unruly and defiant, even violent. 276 00:10:15,492 --> 00:10:17,392 See... See them shaking their heads and trumpeting? 277 00:10:17,461 --> 00:10:18,660 That means they're angry. 278 00:10:18,696 --> 00:10:20,562 Why didn't you run away? They could have trampled you. 279 00:10:20,631 --> 00:10:22,664 Because running away is what they want, 280 00:10:22,733 --> 00:10:24,533 and it's the worst thing you can do. 281 00:10:24,635 --> 00:10:27,236 He's so used to getting his own way 282 00:10:27,304 --> 00:10:31,139 that when you show confidence and stand your own ground, 283 00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:32,407 he's surprised. 284 00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:33,542 He'll back down. 285 00:10:33,644 --> 00:10:34,676 Watch. 286 00:10:37,314 --> 00:10:40,115 - Wow. It worked. - [LAUGHING] Yeah! 287 00:10:41,485 --> 00:10:43,552 And it'll work for you and Eddie, too. 288 00:10:43,654 --> 00:10:45,354 You've been too soft on that boy, Lou. 289 00:10:45,456 --> 00:10:46,788 I don't know. 290 00:10:46,857 --> 00:10:49,191 My dad was extremely tough on me when I was Eddie's age, 291 00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:51,493 and our relationship never recovered. 292 00:10:51,528 --> 00:10:53,428 Eddie and I aren't like that. We're friends. 293 00:10:53,497 --> 00:10:55,130 Okay, so maybe your dad wasn't your best friend, 294 00:10:55,199 --> 00:10:56,531 but look how you turned out. 295 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,234 You're a very successful small-business owner 296 00:10:59,270 --> 00:11:01,036 with your own home, great family. 297 00:11:01,105 --> 00:11:03,305 Fathers can't be friends with their sons. 298 00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:06,108 Not if they want them to grow up to be responsible adults. 299 00:11:06,210 --> 00:11:08,076 So, what do I do? 300 00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,112 Well, you have to be the angry bull elephant. 301 00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:13,548 Only discipline can bring the herd back together. 302 00:11:20,357 --> 00:11:22,456 What's going on? 303 00:11:23,055 --> 00:11:24,960 We did some research at the library 304 00:11:25,029 --> 00:11:26,261 on your Kwan-impostor theory. 305 00:11:26,363 --> 00:11:27,963 Okay, look, I was just... 306 00:11:28,065 --> 00:11:29,698 And you were absolutely right! 307 00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,767 Emery, let's bring her up to speed. 308 00:11:31,835 --> 00:11:34,736 Michelle Kwan wins the 1998 world championships 309 00:11:34,772 --> 00:11:37,973 with 15 perfect 6.0s, 310 00:11:38,075 --> 00:11:40,242 leaving one judge in tears. 311 00:11:40,277 --> 00:11:42,778 She's the favorite for the gold medal in the Winter Olympics. 312 00:11:42,846 --> 00:11:44,780 Then things start getting fishy. 313 00:11:44,815 --> 00:11:48,016 She arrives in Japan but processes through Tokyo 314 00:11:48,085 --> 00:11:50,696 instead of Osaka with all the other athletes. 315 00:11:51,192 --> 00:11:53,121 Right, yeah. That's... That's weird. 316 00:11:53,157 --> 00:11:56,158 Nobody sees Michelle Kwan at the Olympic Village 317 00:11:56,193 --> 00:12:00,729 because... get this... She's staying "off site." 318 00:12:00,831 --> 00:12:03,465 Next, she misses the Opening Ceremony. 319 00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:05,600 She works her whole life to get to the Olympics 320 00:12:05,669 --> 00:12:08,003 and then doesn't go to the Opening Ceremony? 321 00:12:08,038 --> 00:12:09,204 It doesn't add up. 322 00:12:09,273 --> 00:12:11,440 No, it doesn't, actually. 323 00:12:11,475 --> 00:12:14,676 The night before the event, nobody sees Michelle Kwan. 324 00:12:14,745 --> 00:12:16,778 Where's Tara Lipinski, on the other hand? 325 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,214 In bed getting a full eight hours? 326 00:12:19,249 --> 00:12:22,517 With Wayne Gretzky and the Canadian Ice Hokey team 327 00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:23,585 eating ice cream! 328 00:12:23,654 --> 00:12:25,754 Like she knew she couldn't lose. 329 00:12:25,823 --> 00:12:27,789 [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] 330 00:12:27,858 --> 00:12:29,958 And Michelle Kwan was photographed 331 00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,527 at her hotel at 9:30 a.m., 332 00:12:32,563 --> 00:12:35,564 15 minutes before she was seen at the Olympic arena... 333 00:12:35,632 --> 00:12:37,866 A distance of 34 miles. 334 00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:38,867 So? 335 00:12:38,936 --> 00:12:41,003 So, I just drove from here 336 00:12:41,071 --> 00:12:43,138 to the Sea World parking lot as fast as I could. 337 00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:44,740 It's exactly 34 miles. 338 00:12:44,808 --> 00:12:47,175 It took me way longer than 15 minutes, 339 00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:49,778 and I didn't even stop for red lights. 340 00:12:49,847 --> 00:12:51,546 Rearrange the letters in "Tara Lipinski," 341 00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:52,647 and what do you get? 342 00:12:52,716 --> 00:12:53,949 Tarantula Kiss! 343 00:12:54,051 --> 00:12:56,485 Rink Alias?! 344 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,920 It's like she's daring us to catch her. 345 00:12:58,989 --> 00:13:02,057 Michelle Kwan really was replaced by an imposter. 346 00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:04,459 Unfortunately, it's just a theory. 347 00:13:04,528 --> 00:13:05,894 Nobody knows for sure. 348 00:13:05,996 --> 00:13:08,430 Actually, I know someone who might. 349 00:13:08,532 --> 00:13:09,765 I used to do makeup for 350 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,200 the Broadway on Ice production of "Cats" years ago, 351 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,802 and there is one figure skater who knows 352 00:13:13,871 --> 00:13:16,304 everything that goes on with everyone in that world. 353 00:13:16,373 --> 00:13:18,006 If something fishy happened in Nagano, 354 00:13:18,108 --> 00:13:19,307 she'll know about it. 355 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,047 Okay, so it's 10:30 now. 356 00:13:25,082 --> 00:13:27,682 I figure we head to the outdoor mall for an hour or so 357 00:13:27,785 --> 00:13:30,419 and then ride our bikes from the Big Dog outlet to the Wet Seal. 358 00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:32,020 I have a better idea. 359 00:13:32,122 --> 00:13:33,055 We steal her. 360 00:13:33,123 --> 00:13:35,724 - Who? - Her. The girl from the window. 361 00:13:35,826 --> 00:13:37,025 The mannequin? 362 00:13:37,127 --> 00:13:38,593 It hit me the other night. 363 00:13:38,695 --> 00:13:40,295 What if the place she's been getting ready to go 364 00:13:40,397 --> 00:13:42,330 all this time is my house? 365 00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:44,032 I don't know, Dave. 366 00:13:44,101 --> 00:13:45,200 That's, like, breaking and entering. 367 00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,768 So? It'll be fun! 368 00:13:46,837 --> 00:13:49,004 You said you'd love to have a girl like her. 369 00:13:49,073 --> 00:13:50,472 Remember? You said it. 370 00:13:50,574 --> 00:13:52,240 Come on, Eddie. Say you'll help me. 371 00:13:52,342 --> 00:13:53,408 Come on. Say it. 372 00:13:53,510 --> 00:13:55,343 - I don't know. - Say it! 373 00:13:55,379 --> 00:13:57,145 Uh, sure. Sounds like fun. 374 00:13:57,685 --> 00:13:58,914 Great. 375 00:13:59,016 --> 00:14:01,850 Now let's listen to a little GWAR to pump ourselves up. 376 00:14:01,919 --> 00:14:03,018 [GWAR MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY] 377 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,220 [MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES] 378 00:14:05,289 --> 00:14:09,458 Discipline will bring the herd back together. 379 00:14:10,828 --> 00:14:11,827 [MUSIC STOPS] 380 00:14:11,929 --> 00:14:14,496 Not cool, Dave. My parents are asleep. 381 00:14:14,565 --> 00:14:17,499 Eddie, you may be taller than me now, slightly, 382 00:14:17,601 --> 00:14:18,733 but I am still your father. 383 00:14:18,836 --> 00:14:19,868 And when you go out, 384 00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:21,169 I want to know where you're going, 385 00:14:21,271 --> 00:14:22,771 who you're with, and when you'll be back. 386 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,239 No more doing whatever you want, 387 00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:25,540 and no more talking back, either. 388 00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:27,676 Otherwise, you won't be going anywhere. 389 00:14:27,778 --> 00:14:29,211 Do we understand each other? 390 00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:33,682 Screw... you! 391 00:14:33,784 --> 00:14:35,383 [GASPS] 392 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,381 That's it, Eddie. You're grounded! 393 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,282 - I think I'm gonna go. - Good idea. 394 00:14:41,436 --> 00:14:42,702 I don't know what's gotten into you lately, 395 00:14:42,804 --> 00:14:44,470 but this behavior stops now. 396 00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:45,838 I thought we could get through this as friends, 397 00:14:45,907 --> 00:14:47,240 but clearly I was wrong. 398 00:14:47,275 --> 00:14:49,208 So from now on, we do things the hard way. 399 00:14:49,277 --> 00:14:51,544 No more TV. No more video games! 400 00:14:51,646 --> 00:14:53,279 Thanks, Dad. 401 00:14:53,315 --> 00:14:54,347 What are you doing?! 402 00:14:54,416 --> 00:14:55,481 I'm hugging you. 403 00:14:55,583 --> 00:14:56,883 Why? 404 00:14:56,918 --> 00:14:58,418 I knew that if I talked back to you like that, 405 00:14:58,486 --> 00:14:59,752 you'd be so shocked you'd ground me, 406 00:14:59,821 --> 00:15:02,455 and I wouldn't have to help Dave steal that sexy mannequin. 407 00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:04,123 Help Dave do what? 408 00:15:04,192 --> 00:15:06,159 It was his idea to steal it, and it's crazy. 409 00:15:06,227 --> 00:15:07,964 I didn't want to do it. 410 00:15:08,162 --> 00:15:10,229 But I-I didn't know how to tell him. 411 00:15:10,331 --> 00:15:14,333 He's been... intense lately. 412 00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:16,001 [VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS] 413 00:15:16,037 --> 00:15:17,303 Hey, you want to see something cool? 414 00:15:17,371 --> 00:15:19,738 Sure. [MUSIC STOPS] 415 00:15:20,923 --> 00:15:22,841 I'm gonna bust open this Stretch Armstrong 416 00:15:22,910 --> 00:15:23,876 with a baseball bat. 417 00:15:23,945 --> 00:15:24,843 Um... 418 00:15:24,912 --> 00:15:27,246 [SCREAMS] 419 00:15:27,315 --> 00:15:29,048 No, you don't have a dad! 420 00:15:30,618 --> 00:15:33,419 So, you're not the adolescent elephant. 421 00:15:33,521 --> 00:15:34,520 Dave is. 422 00:15:34,555 --> 00:15:35,821 Dad, you're all over the place. 423 00:15:35,923 --> 00:15:36,989 What do you mean? 424 00:15:37,024 --> 00:15:39,058 First, you made a big deal out of me shaving. 425 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,592 Then you let me stay up later. 426 00:15:40,661 --> 00:15:42,928 Then you got mad at me for staying up later. 427 00:15:42,997 --> 00:15:44,396 And now you're talking about elephants. 428 00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:46,332 I'm sorry. 429 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,901 I was just excited for you to become a man 430 00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:49,868 because I thought that would mean 431 00:15:49,971 --> 00:15:51,203 us spending more time together. 432 00:15:51,272 --> 00:15:53,072 Then you decided to spend your extra hour 433 00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:54,173 with Dave instead of me. 434 00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:55,841 So you're upset because I didn't stay home 435 00:15:55,876 --> 00:15:56,909 and watch "Letterman" with you. 436 00:15:57,011 --> 00:15:59,511 Look, I just don't want us to grow apart 437 00:15:59,547 --> 00:16:01,680 because that's what happened with me and my dad. 438 00:16:01,749 --> 00:16:03,582 Just because I want to do something on my own 439 00:16:03,684 --> 00:16:05,517 doesn't mean I don't still need you, Dad. 440 00:16:05,553 --> 00:16:07,252 You and I are friends. 441 00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:08,654 I'm always gonna need that. 442 00:16:08,723 --> 00:16:10,189 [CHUCKLES] 443 00:16:11,718 --> 00:16:15,045 Wait, you and Dave haven't stolen anything else, have you? 444 00:16:15,149 --> 00:16:16,428 No way! 445 00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:17,691 I know a good idea from a bad one. 446 00:16:17,856 --> 00:16:20,399 I'm lucky to have you around to teach me stuff like that. 447 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,534 Not everyone's that lucky. 448 00:16:34,048 --> 00:16:37,383 So, whatcha waitin' for, Chief? [GIGGLES] 449 00:16:37,485 --> 00:16:39,018 [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] 450 00:16:41,589 --> 00:16:42,988 LOUIS: Stop! 451 00:16:43,057 --> 00:16:44,656 [GARBLED] Yeah. Stop. 452 00:16:44,692 --> 00:16:46,358 Now, why don't you put the brick down, Dave, 453 00:16:46,427 --> 00:16:48,108 and we can talk about this? 454 00:16:50,264 --> 00:16:51,930 MARVIN: He's so used to getting his way 455 00:16:51,999 --> 00:16:53,932 that when he sees you showing confidence 456 00:16:54,001 --> 00:16:56,502 and standing your ground, he'll back down. 457 00:16:56,570 --> 00:16:59,238 Dave, you cut this behavior out right this minute. 458 00:16:59,340 --> 00:17:00,388 Do you hear me? 459 00:17:00,512 --> 00:17:02,307 I'm going to give you to the count of three 460 00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:05,377 to put the brick down and to step away from the mannequin. 461 00:17:06,847 --> 00:17:07,946 One... 462 00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,016 Two... 463 00:17:17,258 --> 00:17:18,724 Whoa. Good work, Dad. 464 00:17:18,793 --> 00:17:20,826 Grab that brick. We need a doorstop. 465 00:17:20,928 --> 00:17:22,061 Uh, okay. 466 00:17:22,163 --> 00:17:23,495 Go. Go. 467 00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:25,598 JESSICA: Excuse me. 468 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:26,966 Excuse me. Out of the way. 469 00:17:27,068 --> 00:17:29,101 Coming through. 470 00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:30,202 Oh! 471 00:17:30,304 --> 00:17:31,637 Hello, Nancy Kerrigan. 472 00:17:31,706 --> 00:17:33,038 Thanks for the enthusiasm. 473 00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:34,807 It's nice to meet you. Who can I make this out to? 474 00:17:34,909 --> 00:17:37,309 Is it true Tara Lipinski replaced Michelle Kwan 475 00:17:37,378 --> 00:17:39,278 with an impostor so she could steal the gold? 476 00:17:39,347 --> 00:17:41,280 Uh, well, that's quite a lot. 477 00:17:41,382 --> 00:17:42,815 How about, "Believe in yourself"? 478 00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,384 What we really need, Nancy, is answers. 479 00:17:45,453 --> 00:17:46,385 Is it true? 480 00:17:46,454 --> 00:17:47,987 What makes you think I know? 481 00:17:48,089 --> 00:17:49,154 Because you're the hub of 482 00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:50,656 the professional ice-skating world, Kerrigan. 483 00:17:50,725 --> 00:17:52,124 You know everything that goes on. 484 00:17:52,193 --> 00:17:54,126 - Hi. Honey Ellis. - Hi. 485 00:17:54,228 --> 00:17:55,327 I did your makeup when you played 486 00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:57,496 Grizabella the Glamour Cat in Broadway on Ice. 487 00:17:57,531 --> 00:17:59,098 - Big fan. - Oh, right. 488 00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:00,933 Weren't you dating one of the lighting technicians? 489 00:18:01,035 --> 00:18:02,534 Yes! It didn't work out. 490 00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:05,371 Of course it didn't. So, is it true? 491 00:18:05,881 --> 00:18:08,051 Tell me what you think you know. 492 00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:11,677 Tara Lipinski replaced the real Michelle Kwan 493 00:18:11,712 --> 00:18:14,046 with a slightly less talented body double. 494 00:18:14,081 --> 00:18:15,648 That's why the fake Michelle Kwan 495 00:18:15,716 --> 00:18:17,816 flew into Tokyo, instead of Osaka. 496 00:18:17,885 --> 00:18:19,852 That's why she missed the Opening Ceremonies. 497 00:18:19,921 --> 00:18:22,821 And that's why she was kept "off site." 498 00:18:22,924 --> 00:18:25,224 Look, Michelle flew into Tokyo 499 00:18:25,293 --> 00:18:27,026 because her pen pal Gabby lives there 500 00:18:27,128 --> 00:18:28,794 and offered to drive her from the airport. 501 00:18:28,930 --> 00:18:31,463 Also, flights are way cheaper if she left mid-week, 502 00:18:31,532 --> 00:18:33,866 and if you know Michelle, she likes a bargain. 503 00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:36,201 So that's why she missed the Opening Ceremonies. 504 00:18:36,304 --> 00:18:38,570 Also, she didn't stay in the Olympic Village 505 00:18:38,639 --> 00:18:41,874 because the Men's Ice Hockey team throws really loud parties, 506 00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:43,375 and that's why she got a hotel. 507 00:18:43,444 --> 00:18:46,345 But what about getting from the hotel to the Olympic arena? 508 00:18:46,414 --> 00:18:48,080 - Mm-hmm. - She was photographed at the hotel 509 00:18:48,149 --> 00:18:49,882 15 minutes before her event. 510 00:18:49,951 --> 00:18:51,884 There's no way she could make it in 15 minutes. 511 00:18:51,953 --> 00:18:53,719 That wasn't Michelle at the hotel that morning. 512 00:18:53,788 --> 00:18:55,087 That was her sister, Karen. 513 00:18:55,156 --> 00:18:56,155 They look alike. 514 00:18:56,257 --> 00:18:57,690 Michelle didn't even stay at the hotel 515 00:18:57,792 --> 00:18:58,991 the night before the event. 516 00:18:59,026 --> 00:19:01,093 She didn't? Where did she stay? 517 00:19:01,128 --> 00:19:03,262 Where she always stays the night before a big event... 518 00:19:03,364 --> 00:19:04,630 On the ice. 519 00:19:04,732 --> 00:19:05,698 - Oh! - Oh... 520 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:06,932 That's what I would do. 521 00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:09,301 But that couldn't have been the real Michelle Kwan. 522 00:19:09,403 --> 00:19:10,536 But it was. 523 00:19:10,604 --> 00:19:12,504 Michelle Kwan trained her whole life to win gold. 524 00:19:12,606 --> 00:19:14,106 She sacrificed everything. 525 00:19:14,141 --> 00:19:16,742 How could she possibly come in second place? 526 00:19:16,844 --> 00:19:18,510 Sometimes life isn't fair. 527 00:19:18,612 --> 00:19:20,479 Believe me. I know all about that. 528 00:19:20,548 --> 00:19:22,081 And crazy conspiracies. 529 00:19:22,116 --> 00:19:24,984 You can work really hard, do everything right, 530 00:19:25,052 --> 00:19:27,452 and sometimes life just throws you a Lipinski. 531 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,789 You just have to pick yourself back up and keep on skating. 532 00:19:30,891 --> 00:19:32,725 Thanks for coming out. 533 00:19:32,827 --> 00:19:34,793 Appreciate it. 534 00:19:35,796 --> 00:19:36,862 I like your Kerribun. 535 00:19:36,931 --> 00:19:40,332 Oh, it's not... It... Thank you. 536 00:19:41,869 --> 00:19:43,836 Jessica, are you okay? 537 00:19:43,904 --> 00:19:45,471 No, I'm not. 538 00:19:45,539 --> 00:19:46,905 Everything I know... 539 00:19:46,974 --> 00:19:48,340 Everything I've taught my children... 540 00:19:48,409 --> 00:19:50,509 My whole worldview is wrong. 541 00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:53,178 [GASPS] Wait. Mommy, look! 542 00:19:58,779 --> 00:20:02,588 So Tara Lipinski did replace Michelle Kwan with an impostor! 543 00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:03,722 I knew it! 544 00:20:03,758 --> 00:20:05,657 There's no way somebody who works that hard 545 00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:07,059 comes in second place. 546 00:20:07,161 --> 00:20:08,494 It just isn't possible. 547 00:20:18,105 --> 00:20:22,107 You know, your Sharpie is slightly thinner than hers. 548 00:20:22,209 --> 00:20:23,575 It worked, didn't it? 549 00:20:23,677 --> 00:20:25,644 The truth that Michelle Kwan did everything right 550 00:20:25,746 --> 00:20:27,746 and still lost would crush mom. 551 00:20:27,848 --> 00:20:29,715 She needs to believe. 552 00:20:33,854 --> 00:20:35,354 You know what, you go ahead. 553 00:20:35,456 --> 00:20:37,222 I'm gonna stick around for this. 554 00:20:37,324 --> 00:20:38,690 Hmm. 555 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:44,009 ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Dave welcomes the cast of "Baywatch." 556 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,575 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 557 00:20:45,677 --> 00:20:46,943 I'm gonna go grab a soda. 558 00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,513 Uh, no soda after 9:00 p.m. 559 00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:50,914 Okay, Mr. Huang. 560 00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:52,115 [CHUCKLES] 561 00:20:52,217 --> 00:20:54,151 Hey, how about, just for tonight, 562 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,253 I let you boys stay up to watch the musical guest? 563 00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:58,355 With musical guest Paula Cole! 564 00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:00,423 Nah, we're good. 565 00:21:00,866 --> 00:21:03,656 sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com